Thank God I’m a Philly Boy

So I wrote these song lyrics sometime after the 2008 Phillies won the World Series and before the Eagles won the Super Bowl in 2018. I sent them along to Chuck Brodsky and a few other prominent Philly recording artist folks, hoping someone would record them. Alas, no one picked them up. I can’t understand why.

“Thank God I’m A Philly Boy (The Irreverent Philly Fan Anthem)”
(Sung to the tune of John Denver’s “Thank God I’m A Country Boy”)
Lyrics by Chris Bauer

Well growing up in Philly we were never laid back.
Ain’t a lot of crap old Philly fans like us can hack.
Want the big money players not to be on the slack.
Thank God I’m a Philly boy.

All our daddies taught us how to strut our stuff in the middle
Of the street with our Mummers gettin’ drunk just a little.
Told us life’s too short so don’t never ever settle.
Thank God I’m a Philly boy.

Refrain:
Got blue collar mouths and blue collar middles
Gettin’ in your ugly face quite a lot, not a little
With a cheese steak or a hoagie, lotsa beer, no fancy wooder (water).
Thank God I’m a Philly boy.

When the times get tough well the tough get going.
All the heroes suck it up, all the goats leave knowing
Gotta duck from the batteries we’ll all be a-throwin’.
Thank God I’m a Philly boy.

So much talk we’re a brother-lovin’ city like no other,
It ain’t true, no sirree, earn your keep you lazy motha.
Don’t be calling us names ’cause we’ll tear you another.
Thank God I’m a Philly boy.

(Refrain)

Got the Phillies and the Flyers and the Sixers and the Eagles.
Not a fan? Shut your mouth, you don’t get to call them Beagles.
Make a play, you’re okay, if you don’t, you should croak.
Thank God I’m a Philly boy.

You can love us you can hate us do you think we even care?
Ain’t no smarter sports fan you’ll be finding anywhere.
Ask our humble opinion we’ll be happy to share.
Thank God I’m a Philly boy.

(Refrain)

Northeast, Southwest, North and South Philly,
Never sittin’ on the job we all love our Quaker Billy.
Standing tall on City Hall, ain’t no building up his as-s-s-s…
God loves all his Philly boys.

“Philadelphia World Champs!” Hadn’t heard it in a while.
Want a deuce not a truce, gotta win by a mile.
Turn ’em loose never lose there can be no denial.
Thank God I’m a Philly boy.

One last time, know who’s boss, don’t be looking for applause
’CAUSE WE PAID OUR BUCK, don’t matter if you’re Santa Claus.
Philly friends? No, Philly fans! So till then, long pause…

BOO-O-O-O-O!

Thank God I’m a Philly boy!
Thank God I’m a Philly boy!

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Three Book Deal

Yes, you read correctly. Closing a deal with a publisher for three crime thrillers, to be published this year and next. Contract will be finalized by next week. Details pending. Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Liars Club Oddcast Podcast

The good folks at Philly Liars Club let me join their “oddcast” last week. So here is 30 audio minutes of me blabbering about the thriller JANE’S BABY plus using controversial issues as thriller topics, the use of humor when dealing with controversy, and quirky characters, and me giving the listening audience an incorrect website address. (You made it here, so I guess it all worked out okay.) http://theliarscluboddcast.projectentertainment.libsynpro.com/the-liars-club-oddcast-070-chris-bauer-thriller-writer

Thank you Philly Liars Keith Strunk, Jon McGoren, Gregory Frost, Kelly Simmons, Armand Rosamilia, and Merry DeeDee Jones.

Scheduled Appearance Dates

May 7, 2018, 7-9PM — Wilmington NOIR AT THE BAR, Stoney’s Pub, 3007 Concord Pike, Wilmington, DE 19803. Reading with other crime writers.

May 24, 2018 — Philly Liars Club Oddcast podcast taping.

May 26, 2018, 1PM — Barnes and Noble Montgomeryville in Montgomery Square, 1271 Knapp Road, North Wales, PA 19454. Book signing.

June 14, 2018, 6:30-9PM — Oxford NOIR AT A BAR, Octoraro Tavern, 2 S. 3rd Street, Oxford PA 19363, Oxford PA Public Library benefit. Reading, book signing with other crime writers.

June 23, 2018, 2-4PM — Barnes and Noble in the Neshaminy Mall, 300 Neshaminy Mall, Bensalem, PA 19020. Book signing.

July 21, 2018, 1PM — Lahaska Book Shop, Peddlers Village, 162 Carousel Ln & Rte 263 A, Lahaska, PA 18931, with Don Swaim and John Schoffstall. Book signing.

July 26, 2018, 7PM — Farley’s Bookshop, 44 S Main St, New Hope, PA 18938, with Don Swaim and John Schoffstall. Reading, book signing.

October 5-7, 2018 — Creatures, Crime, Creativity (C3) Conference, Sheraton Towne Center, 10207 Wincopin Cir, Columbia, MD 21044. Book signing, panel participation, late-night bar discussions.

JANE’S BABY – Excerpt – Meet Judge Drury

~~~

To the women who struggle with making these decisions

~~~

I want the boy institutionalized, Judge’s father told his mother. Try it, his mother said, and I will leave you.

His father, a U.S. senator, decided on a different approach: the Marine Corps.

When Judge left for boot camp, they didn’t hug, didn’t shake hands. There was no imparting of keen insights or wisdom, no fatherly advice. His father made one simple, finally-rid-of-your-fucking-afflicted-existence comment that came directly from his black heart: They’ll either kill you or cure you.

His father would have been satisfied either way.

Judge’s affliction had embarrassed them on the grandest of stages: Nixon’s second inauguration, when Judge was fourteen. When he turned nineteen, his senator father wrote the letter. The president said yes, he’d make his enlistment happen. A senator had this access, the Commander-In-Chief this power.

That was thirty-eight years ago.

Kill you or cure you.

… Judge waited for his bounty, a bail-jumping pedophile, outside a Shreveport, Louisiana Starbucks, a long way from home. Judge sat in the van, smooth-talking his K9 deputies, waiting for the guy to exit, wanting, praying the guy would run…

Judge had proved his father wrong. The Marines proved his father wrong. Win-win.

His father died knowing this. His father died horribly. Win-win.

Judge had Tourette’s. There was no cure, but they had an arrangement, this affliction and him. Win.

His full name, Judge Terrence Drury. USMC rank at retirement, Gunnery Sergeant. His current profession, bounty hunter.

Semper Fi.

~~~